Hello, how are you today?
I mean, really, how are you doing?
Likely, if you are reading this, there is some discomfort somewhere in your world. We are human, after all, and this Western world, while designed to accommodate a lot of physical comforts (if you can afford them), is not designed to tend well to emotional or mental health particularly well. In fact, “the system” requires us to override our body wisdom on a regular basis and push ourselves to exhaustion in pursuit of culturally sanctioned success. It makes sense that you’re uncomfortable.
So, the first step is offering a touch of gentleness, yes, this is hard. And getting more conscious about what is causing discomfort and attempting to change patterns can also be tricky, but in my experience, and that of my clients, is that going for a more aligned life is worth it.
I invite you to take a moment and notice what you are feeling, what is really going on? We’ll take it in 3 layers.
Check into your mental state and notice what kinds of thoughts you are having?
See if you can pull out of the individual thoughts and categorize the lot of them.
Examples. . . worried thinking. . . . planning thinking. . . ruminating thinking. . .
excited thinking . . . problem solving thinking. .
Check into your physical state and notice something in your body.
Where in your body is feeling tight?
Is there anywhere in your body that is hard to pay attention to, numb perhaps?
Are there any colors, words, or sensations that feel stuck?
Where in your body is feeling strong?
Now, check into your emotional state, what are you feeling?
Below the thinking and the body sensations, can you identify a mood or a quality of feeling?
Examples: excited. . . anxious. . . sad. . . frustrated. . . peaceful. . . joyful. . .
Thank you for taking the time to notice what is here right now. Just that can start to give spaciousness to your experience. Oh wow, I had not idea how much tension I have in my jaw and noticing that can make me naturally want to wiggle my jaw and soften a touch, which helps me to feel better.
And now looking at what do you make all that mean?? (adapted from Martha Beck’s Wayfinder Life Coach Training).
Often, we take these sensations, thoughts, emotions and we mash them up and give them a label to make it easier to push them aside and keep going.
I’ll give you an example…
Right now, my neck is tight, my toes are a little squished and I can feel a little something in my abdomen. My thoughts are open, but also skittering around a bit as I try to put language to my ideas. My feeling state has a touch of tenderness, and also self-compassion.
I make this mean that I should find time to turn off the internet more at night (as I did last night) and take more days off (as I have today), because the last several days I’ve been waking up agitated and problem solving and feeling pressure in my chest that has a voice that says, “I don’t fit in my own schedule.” But, I’m liking how it feels different today. And then I start to wonder if I really do need the day off – I feel fine, maybe I should go to that party (perhaps). I feel fine, I should call the friend I’ve been meaning to see (perhaps). I don’t need a break, I should do a whole bunch of yard work (perhaps). What I said I needed last night was time to sit quietly and write or draw, but now that I’m feeling okay, it’s hard to take the time and I’m making it mean that I don’t need it.
This is all workable and not too big of a problem, it is our mind’s jobs to tell stories about our experiences – but what do we want to do with them?
Another example – A couple of weeks ago I played a concert with my band. We were having fun going into it, but then it got cold and I switched my outfit at the last minute and it turned out there was a videographer there that I wasn’t expecting, plus we picked a hard song to open with and stumbled for just a moment. The rest of the gig went well, but then I didn’t get food fast enough after we got off stage and I went into a blood sugar crash and at the end of the night walked away feeling a bit empty, while also slightly over-full (having eaten too fast) with a whole lot of self-judgment about my belly.
So I dig in, what am I making it mean? I am making it mean that the night didn’t feel as good as I was expecting (our last gig had gone really well) and I am blaming some of that on my abs not being as tight as I would like them to be. And then I’m noticing thoughts like, “I’m not even sure if I want to be in the band anyway.” And, “I’ve always been too sensitive to be a performer.” And I find myself comparing my abs to everyone I see and separating myself further from the people around me in a bubble of comparison.
Outch.
You see how it spirals? And so fast, if I’m not paying attention, I’ve distanced myself from the people I work with, and likely the next gig won’t feel so great either and if I don’t address it at the root, eventually I might convince myself that I really never belonged there in the first place and possibly that I don’t know how to have female friends anyway, so no wonder nothing ever works out for me. . . spiral. . . spiral down.
Does this sound familiar? It’s the mind at work, a totally natural habit, a totally unhelpful one in the process of making more money, dreaming bigger dreams, trying to make new habits or trying to live a better life.
So what other options are there?
I can slow down. I can notice the quivering in my solar plexus, I can ask a friend to sit with me quietly while I feel the shakiness that was touched all the way through my core. I can talk through with my band what we did the time before to prepare that we skipped this time so we can learn what works for us as a group. I can look at what habits are in the way of me strengthening my body and work to shift them. I can notice my appreciations of the women I play music with and focus on and name what I love about each of them when we spend time together.
Additionally, there are lots of tools to work with this kind of meaning-making spiral, and getting support is absolutely one of them. Positive affirmations have never worked for me, so trying to replace “I hate my belly” thoughts with “I am beautiful just the way I am,” probably isn’t going to get at the root of it for me. I could, and will, add some more core strengthening exercises into my routine, but even that doesn’t get at the root of what got triggered.
Again and again I see, the way out is through.
Things that work (not a complete list) –
Coaching – naming what is happening to a coach and meeting the patterns with compassion and curiosity (feeling the feelings) and looking at releasing the old mental structures and habits preventing us from living the life we want. This opens the pathways to more joy, more self-compassion, and a life that feels like it fits better for all of us.
Body centered practices – feeling the sensations all the way through and letting any tension release out of the body and wisdom rise up, staying present on the sensation level – best done with a guide until we know how to stay with the sensations without getting stuck.
Therapy – sometimes the thing that is coming up has it’s roots in trauma and needs additional support from a therapist. Addiction, eating disorders, depression and things that leave you in bed for days at a time benefit from therapeutic support. It’s okay to receive help with your stuck places.
Journaling – Writing down the thoughts, writing down the feelings, writing down the sensations and looking for what I’m making that all mean? Then asking for guidance or wisdom to come through our writing about what is really going on? What kind practical advice would I like to give myself? What is true underneath all the layers?
Engage in Creativity – What forms of creativity do you have available to you? Noticing the pattern that you are in and deliberately stepping into a creative practice can help shift things. Even 20 minutes can shift our brains into a better state.
Connecting to something larger than ourselves – being outdoors and softening enough to notice that we are a part of a world in which the sun comes up in the morning and the seasons cycle through and we can invite wisdom from the more than human world.
Meditating, walking, drumming and dancing are other great ways to break unhelpful thought patterns.
It is very natural and very human to take our experiences, weave them together and make meaning from them. But if your life feels uncomfortable more than you would like, it might be time to take some steps towards the life you would like to have. These are troubled times, the world needs all of us to show up as fully as we are able in our gifts and our brilliance and our grounded joy. Let’s get out of the unhelpful things we are making it mean and into our lives!