This past November I took a training to safely integrate Internal Family Systems (IFS) Protocols into my coaching.
It changed my life and it’s changing the lives of my clients!
I want to catch you up on what I’ve been learning and what’s been working -> IFS believes that we are an ecosystem of parts. These parts are made up of protectors (trying to avoid pain), exiles (holding the past pain that the system couldn’t handle at the time it happened), and an emergent quality of Self that is not a part, but the presence that holds all parts. The parts make up our personality, but we are not just our parts.
Self-leadership then becomes the goal—not because parts are bad or need to be controlled, but because the system functions best when led by our true center. Still, “Self-leadership” is abstract until you’ve experienced it. What does it actually look like in daily life? And maybe more importantly—what does it feel like?
The Self is not another part competing for airtime. It’s the innate, core presence that exists beneath and beyond our parts. When Self is leading, no one is being exiled, overridden, or shamed into silence. Parts are still there—sometimes loud, sometimes scared, sometimes opinionated — but they’re no longer running the show alone, no longer the only one driving the bus.
From the outside, Self-leadership can appear surprisingly ordinary:
- Responding instead of reacting
- Setting boundaries without excessive guilt or aggression
- Listening deeply—even when there’s disagreement inside
- Making choices that feel aligned rather than urgent or compulsive
- Taking responsibility without collapsing into shame
We still feel anger, fear, or grief—but those emotions are held rather than being you. There’s space around them.
Internally, Self-leadership looks like a respectful roundtable. Protectors are consulted rather than fought. Exiles are approached with care, not urgency. No part has to hijack the system to be heard.
Self-leadership is often recognizable by its quality rather than its content. IFS describes the “8 Cs” of Self energy, and many people notice some combination of these when Self is present:
- Calm – even in the midst of intensity
- Curiosity – “Why might this part feel this way?”
- Compassion – toward yourself, especially the messy parts
- Clarity – a sense of perspective and choice
- Confidence – quiet, grounded, not performative
- Courage – the ability to stay present with discomfort
- Creativity – flexibility rather than rigid patterns
- Connectedness – to yourself and others
Importantly, Self-leadership doesn’t mean feeling good all the time, emotions come and go. But underneath, there’s an okayness that is unshakable. A common misconception is that Self-leadership means being endlessly patient, enlightened, or unbothered. In reality, losing Self-leadership is part of the human experience. Parts will blend. Old strategies will take over sometimes.
The difference is what happens next.
With Self-leadership, we notice sooner. We repair more quickly. Instead of judging ourselves for being “triggered,” we become curious about which part needed help and why. Self doesn’t fire parts for messing up—it checks in with them.
I can describe Self-leadership as an internal feeling of “I’m here with you.” There’s an inner adult in the room—attentive, capable, and kind. Parts don’t have to scream, numb out, or catastrophize to get care. They’re not alone anymore.
Over time, this changes everything:
how we relate to conflict,
how we make decisions,
how we recover from pain,
and how safe it feels to be ourselves.
Self-leadership isn’t a destination—it’s a relationship that deepens with practice. Each moment of curiosity instead of judgment, each pause before reacting, each act of compassion toward a struggling part strengthens trust in the system. One of the most strengthening things is the daily consistent practices with the things that feel true for us. Not 2 hours of exercise once. 5 minutes. Every day, even when parts of you don’t feel like it (I hear you, this commitment is really important).
And as that trust grows, parts begin to relax—not because they’re forced to, but because they finally believe someone is truly listening.
That someone is us.
I notice that I’m friendlier because my shy parts are being held by Self and not forced to interact with the outside world. I notice that I’m more productive because my parts aren’t fighting so much, so action is no longer a slog through hot sand, it’s just action. I notice that I’m more compassionate. I’m not worried about trying to fix you or solve you because I trust that Self, your Self, knows exactly what to do if we can access it and let it lead.
Simple.
Not always easy.
But I’m now trained to help you live this and I’m loving the results.
Visit arlyn.youcanbookme.com to schedule a complimentary discovery call.
As one client says, “Arlyn’s calm, grounded presence creates a deep sense of safety that has helped me access my body’s wisdom and connect with my inner presence. Through our IFS work, I’ve found an aligned clarity that guides both my inner life and everyday choices — from organizing my home to exercising more, sleeping better, and allowing my creative energy to come through. The gifts of our work continue to unfold long after each session.”
And from The Abundant Self, a money group coaching program that incorporates IFS protocols to help us heal our relationship with abundance, “The Abundant Self changed my life. It is the most powerful money program I’ve ever experienced because it supports real psychological change that makes taking the practical money actions possible. I highly recommend this program for anyone struggling with money in any way.”